Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
