Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
