I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We need to get me chipped asap
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
