I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
