The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize