I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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