I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
