Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we're making bets on your personal life
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
