When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
