go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
