dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He passed out mid-signature
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize