I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
