Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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