Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
