So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wish you could order shots online.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
