Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
