Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
