I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
