I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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