How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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