I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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