wakey wakey hands off snakey
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
