census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
