New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize