Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
