Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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