he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
