I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
