i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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