Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
