I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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