Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
