Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize