mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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