4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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