My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
