did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
