Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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