I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
