if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize