Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
