I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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