I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
