take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
