omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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