Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Too much gin, very little bucket
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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