Everything about him screamed your future.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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