Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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