lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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