I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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