I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
