Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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