My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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