I hate your face
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
