Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
