Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
