dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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