I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
