If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize