my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think my fart just growled at me.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
