I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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