How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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