she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
