my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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