Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
