I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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